Creative Counselor

The pursuit of happiness

2011-03-17T23:15:00.001+11:00

Right now, it really does seem like the world is going to hell in a handbasket. The devastation of Japan's earthquake and tsunami, the threat of nuclear fall-out from the damaged reactors, our own recent floods and cyclones... It's no wonder that people I talk to are feeling anxious and alarmed about today let alone the future. When human beings come face to face with evidence of the universe's supreme indifference to our suffering it brings us into immediate contact with the anxiety of living. What is the meaning of our life if we have no control over our destiny, if no matter how hard we work, no matter how much we achieve, or how successful we are, everything can be taken away from us in an instance?

There are small practical things we can all do to make us feel as though we actually DOING SOMETHING to help those suffering from the everyday and extraordinary calamities that this world seems to throw at people on a regular basis. Donating money to a relief organisation, offering time or other resources. But the truth is that there is not a great deal most of us can do to bring relief to those who really need it right now. So, it's not unusual for people to feel kind of paralysed by the sorrow and fear and the general life anxiety evoked by such traumatic events and even unsure about what is an appropriate way to feel and or behave right now. One of the challenges of living in awareness is to be able to live with what feels painful, awkward, discomforting and frightening without running away or avoiding the truth of that experience. Right now, the even greater challenge is to be aware of those feelings AND to also be aware of all that is at the very same time, good and even happy.

Perhaps the best and healthiest thing any of us can do right now is to look around and pay attention to the relationships that matter to us, to the small moments of grace and happiness that abound in everyday life - the smells of good food and the lingering summer scent of frangipani, the warmth of the sun, conversation with friends, the touch of our loved and loving ones - and wring every last drop of enjoyment we can in mindful awareness that happiness can't be pursued. Life is both incredibly fragile and robust and resilient. Don't wait to "get" to that perfect place, relationship, weight, job, or house. And for god's sake don't wait for all to be right in the world. Live courageously. Be happy now.

As clear as mud

2009-12-11T16:36:00.001+11:00

Clarity: The state, or measure of being clear, either in appearance, thought or style; lucidity (Wiktionary)
In my life I've experienced years where I had no clarity about who I was, what I wanted or how I felt. In other words, confusion reigned. When we have no clarity in respect of ourselves, it's almost impossible to expect others to feel clear about who we are and what we want. I know that I blamed others for not understanding me better but the truth is, faced with my lack of clarity it's no wonder they were confused.

In Politics and the English Language (1946) George Orwell described how a lack of clarity and honesty in language could be a powerful political took of manipulation and of hiding the truth. The lack of simple clear language in politics and in the jargon of many professions and business has been highlighted in Don Watson's brilliant books on language Death Sentence (2003), Weasel Words (2004) and more recently Bendable Learnings (2009) Watson eviscerates the dependence on management speak and reminds us that when politicians use weasel words and phrases like "core and non-core promises" they "have sucked the meaning out of the words; and the result is just as melancholy. They are shells of words: words from which life has gone, facsimiles, frauds, corpses... Weasel words are the words of the powerful, the treacherous and the unfaithful, spies, assassins and thieves."

While we might recognise how business and political leaders twist language and hide behind it in a veil of phrases and jargon, I think we are less likely to listen to how we use and misuse language in our personal and intimate relationships, creating confusion and a lack of clarity - an impediment to understanding between us and the people we most care for and want to be close to.

The words we say to one another in love, and anger, in the day to day explanations and detailing of our lives are the way we try to make sense of how we feel and help others understand us. But using words that don't reflect how we really feel, using weasel words borrowed from someone else or meaningless phrases, words that are not true to who we are and how we feel can only end up in misunderstanding and confusion. When we say one thing and mean another something in our body language, something in our actions invariably betrays the falsity of the language. The listener will know one thing only; that they're not clear on the meaning of what they've heard, that they're confused. And how can they meet your needs or be close to you if they don't understand you?

Saying what we mean to one another can be difficult. Sometimes it can mean searching for and trying out different words and expressions to make sure that what it is you are saying is the perfect, or near to perfect fit for your feelings and the meaning you are trying to convey. Sometimes it seems easier to accept a near enough version and live with the frustration of knowing that you didn't really get your meaning across. But think about this, language and the ability to make ourselves understood to others brings us into closer and truer relationship with each other. Telling each other our stories, being heard and being truly understood in a moment of mutual clarity is what makes us truly human.

I found my own clarity through time spent in psychotherapy. That time and the conversation I had with my therapist helped me get a clearer idea of who I am and how I feel, it helped me find the words which fitted my experience and helped me explain that experience to others. It helped me understand myself, and to help others understand and know me, clearly and without confusion.

Words matter.

P.S. Thank you to Philip Laver, physiotherapist and friend extraordinaire for the conversation which led to this blog topic.

Joy Greater Than Receiving

2009-11-23T11:09:00.005+11:00

To the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.

Kahlil Gibran

We’ve all heard many times “it is better to give than to receive.” And yes, it’s true that generosity makes us feel good, or perhaps it is feeling good which makes us generous? The latest science in fact proves a link between the presence of the hormone oxytocin – which among other things increases trust, reduces fear, and increases a sense of empathy with others - and the impulse to be generous. Generosity itself has become a field of research enquiring into both the reasons for generosity and the effect of generosity on the givers and receivers involved.

Generosity confirms our ability to affect other people, possibly even make a difference to their lives. Generosity connects us with others and gives them a reason to think well of us, and for us to think well of ourselves. The opportunity afforded by celebrations like Christmas or birthdays is to let those we love know how much we care for and appreciate them, reflected in our choice of present or celebration.

Of course, giving is not confined to material objects wrapped and tied in a bow. Giving can be the act of making time for others, of giving companionship, a listening ear, empathy, encouragement, of preparing a meal, of cleaning a house, and of giving one’s self what it is that is needed to feel well, happy and fulfilled. The acts of friendship and love are a constant flowing stream of generosity and giving to another.

Perhaps what is less discussed is what it is to receive. Receiving too can be a an act of giving to another and I think it is important for us all to think about how it is we receive – whether it be gifts, compliments, expressions of gratitude and love, people’s time and confidences, hospitality, ideas and information and feedback.

Have you ever felt uncomfortable and awkward, dismissive, resentful, or just plain dissatisfied with what you’ve been given? What’s behind that? What are the feelings triggered by being given something we don’t want or are incapable of accepting with pleasure?

We’ve probably all been in the position of offering a compliment or tribute to someone only to have it dismissed out of hand. “You look beautiful” is met by “No, I don’t”, or “that was a fantastic performance/speech/meal/event” is replied to with “I thought I/it was terrible” ; a gift with “oh, you shouldn’t have!”

Why is it that we can find it so difficult to accept gifts, compliments and praise with grace? Why is it that we feel obliged to reject them and not allow ourselves to accept that we do look beautiful or we have achieved some success? And what does that mean to the people who are offering us their compliments and praise?

I suspect that for many of us accepting gifts, gratitude or compliments gracefully and openly is difficult because it challenges our core beliefs about ourselves, that is; that we are not beautiful, clever or worthy, or entitled to praise or success or generosity from others.

Perhaps the next time you find yourself reacting without thought in automatic rejection of such compliments or praise it might be time to think about what it is that is actually going on for you. Are you genuinely disagreeing with the compliment or praise or is it that your core beliefs about yourself are in direct contrast to the positive idea about you on offer from another? Is it time to challenge those core beliefs and listen to some other ideas about yourself?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy which asks the client to examine their core beliefs and working with their psychotherapist challenge those beliefs and the ensuing patterns of behaviour through rational examination and thought, exercises and tasks designed to disprove negative thinking and assumptions, and replace them with a new set of core beliefs and behavioural responses.

As a simple, at home DIY cognitive exercise, think about they way in which you receive, and make a commitment to try something different. The next time you receive a gift, compliment or praise, or are confronted with the fruits of your own success, instead of rejecting that gift, praise, or downgrading your achievements, listen to what is being offered to you and respond simply and only with gratitude; “Thank you!” or “Thank you, that’s lovely to hear.” Take a moment to be aware of how it feels to receive in a different way. Take a moment to listen to your internal response. Are your core beliefs working for you or against you? Do you need to challenge those beliefs and get yourself a new set? Perhaps that’s what you could give yourself for Christmas, the new year or your next birthday – the permission to receive praise, thanks, compliments, gifts, and most of all, love.

But I’d still really like that Marc Jacobs handbag and an iPhone if you’re wondering…

Non, je ne regrette rien?

2009-10-25T22:52:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking a lot about "regret" this last week and wondering where it's place is amongst the variety of feelings and thoughts that often end up leaving us feeling bad about ourselves. Is regret the worst thing to live with? Or is it there to remind us of past mistakes and push us towards wisdom?

Regret is different to sorrow as it encompasses not only sorrow but also a feeling of disappointment, remorse, and sometimes even shame for actions taken - or not - words spoken or written, and behaviour which reveals something about ourselves we are not proud of. Regret has a lingering quality and seems to hang around, waking us in the morning with a red-faced feeling of wishing one could make things different. Regret is painful and distressing and difficult to hide from. Regret is an intelligent emotion, which pulls at our thoughts as well as our feelings. It is part of our conscience as well as our consciousness.

Regret's purpose seems to be that of reminding us that we are much less than perfect, that we make mistakes, can hurt people, act stupidly and thoughtlessly and that in doing so, we are responsible for all our actions. Regret reminds us that we have control over what we do and how we behave. We can't regret the things that other people have done but we can feel sorrow and sadness for events that have no relation to our own life or actions. Regret, unfortunately, is entirely personal.

I've lately found myself regretting my own behaviour in a couple of instances. I've said things I wish wholeheartedly that I hadn't, and I would love to have the opportunity to revisit those situations and behave differently. And it seems to me that this is what identifies my feelings as regret: The wish to do something differently, (and therefore achieve a different result), combined with a sense of self-reproach, the knowledge that I've behaved badly, or at the very least thoughtlessly.

I'm sure we've all heard people talk about things that they've regretted all their life, or the biggest regret of their life. Regret seems to be a feeling that can either be of great use to us, or can become a debilitating burden.

If regret becomes a constant reminder of the opportunities or relationships we've lost through "wrong" choices, it becomes the burden of what we don't have and how we came to not have it. It can colour our thinking about ourselves and our feelings about our lives with bitterness, a lack of trust in our decision making ability, guilt and deep disappointment.

Part of growing up and becoming ourselves is learning to accept the responsibility that comes with having choice about our actions and behaviour. Having the choice to do one thing always means that we also have the choice to do it differently.

If we see regret as an opportunity to look at the choices we've made and consider how we might behave and act differently in the future, regret can instead be something which reminds us to choose more wisely, act with more thought and consideration for ourselves as well as others, and add to the store of wisdom we all build throughout our lives.

I don't regret any of the big choices I've made in my life, but if I'm honest I admit that I do regret some of the smaller choices, as well as some of my behaviour towards others, and towards myself. But I'd be more regretful if I didn't use that sense of disappointment and self reproach to remind myself to do things differently the next time, to learn from that sense of regret, leave it in the past, and not take it as a travelling companion with me into the future.

Learning to fly

2009-10-12T18:45:00.002+11:00

Sometimes as I try to think of what to buy for dinner, and if, indeed, I can muster the energy to make it, I wonder where I am in the midst of all this domestic bliss... I don't know if I ever actually fly, but it's nice to reframe the drudgery of housework and the day to day.

Slicing Potatoes

It helps,
putting my hands on a pot, on a broom,
in a wash pail.

I
tried painting,
but it was easier to fly slicing
potatoes.

Rabia of Basra (c.717 - 801)

Read about Rabia at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabia_al-Adawiyya#Philosophy

TED Blog: Alain de Botton and Stefan Sagmeister at TEDGlobal 2009: Running notes from Session 1

2009-10-07T08:58:00.003+11:00

TED Blog: Alain de Botton and Stefan Sagmeister at TEDGlobal 2009: Running notes from Session 1

Shared via AddThis

I love what Alain de Botton has to say about life and work and I'm interested in what Stefan Sagmeister has to say about reinvigorating his passion for his own work and career. Have a look, and listen and I'd love to read your feedback and comments.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/alain_de_botton_a_kinder_gentler_philosophy_of_success.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/stefan_sagmeister_the_power_of_time_off.html

What the hell is mindfulness and do I need to get some?

2009-10-06T12:24:00.001+11:00

We hear a lot about mindfulness these days, from people talking about meditation to others talking about an approach to life. What is it really and why would you or I need to be more "mindful"?

According to Wikipedia, "mindfulness" is "calm awareness of one's body functions, feelings, content of consciousness, or consciousness itself." In other words, knowing what is going on in the moment for you in a way which encompasses the mind, body, emotions and perhaps even the soul, and to be able to manage that experience in the immediacy of what might be strong reactions and responses. Having the ability to be aware of what's happening in our inner experience - the feelings that erupt, the phsyical sensations we feel, and the desire to take action to relieve the distress, anxiety and discomfort we might be feeling - means that we are more likely to be able to manage our outer experiences, how we relate and interact with others in the midst of whatever is going on for us. Mindfulness benefits relationships, the focus we can apply to work, creativity and problem solving, and opens a door to experiencing happiness on a more constant basis. When we are aware of what is going on in the moment, we don't miss the opportunity to notice that we feel happy, just as we don't miss the opportunity to notice our sadness, our response to the natural world and to the people around us.

As an exercise in mindfulness, make a cup of tea and observe what it's like to think of nothing else but making the tea, to be physically and mentally present with every step of making that tea. How often does your mind wander to the list of things that need to get done, the things that you did the day before, the calls you need to make, the tasks that are waiting your attention? How often do we do this in our relationships and in giving only half or part of our attention to people or tasks? What might change if we brought our energy and attention to the moment? What might we experience in our relationships and in our ability to focus?

In my own life, I'm trying to use mindfulness in how I respond to my 3 year old daughter. In being aware of what's going on for me when I face off with a tiny willful creature who wants what she wants when she wants it, I can identify my own frustration and anger at being defied, my anxiety at the delay in getting out the door, my tiredness, the rush of adrenalin (I think a lot of parents will be familiar with these descriptions). Instead of reacting in order to no longer be frustrated, to no longer be anxious at the lateness of the hour, I can make more thoughtful and considered decisions to help manage the immediate problem, and most importantly maintain the relationship of love and respect I have with my beautiful, willful, stubborn and delightful daughter!

It's not easy, and I'm not always or even often successful, but the more I practice, the prospect of it becoming easier to access is in sight.

If you are interested in learning how to practice mindfulness and meditation in your daily life, my colleagues Katrina Berg-Howard and Sal Flynn are again running their Managing The Madness mindfulness meditation training, commencing 19th October and running for 6 weeks. Have a look at our website http://www.creativecounsel.com.au/news.html#madness for more details.

Check out Jon Kabat-Zinn talking to Google employees about mindfulness on You Tube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc

I also recommend The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh for anyone wanting to read more about the idea of mindfulness and how to acquire the skills.